Happy New Year

It's 3:26 in the morning... on January 1, 2012.

I should be sleepy, but I'm not. It's crazy how a lot of things that happened in 2011 can make a guy go crazy. The year was basically hell, and (believe it or not) there were a lot of things I am not at all proud of that happened. Then, again, I was miserable. It was totally and completely off.

2011, started like any year, filled with hope and optimism for the coming three hundred and sixty-five days. Then, came all the let-downs, all the failures, all the disappointments. It was like nothing was going my way. Every single disappointment just crushed a little part of me each time. 2011 was horrible, but others think it wasn't as bad. To know all the let-downs, you got to find them somewhere else. Though, there were high moments too, no matter how few. But I guess, they just led to worse things.

January to March is now hazy in my memory.

However, summer this year, was something else. How was I to know that everything that was bound to happen will lead to what happened to end this year? But what did happen? Everything that is hidden, I will mention elsewhere in the dark. You're going to need the light to see it. It's crazy living this fucked up life, but what else would I be doing if it weren't this bad?

Well, I'm leaving it all behind now. So, happy new year. 2012 is here.

Inhale... Family.

Six days. That's all I needed to fall in love, but not with a girl. I fell in love with a family. Who'd have thought it would be that fast?

Then again, I never expected a lot of things coming into the experience of being a TnT in the Ateneo OrSem. I never expected the welcoming arms of the TnT core members to willingly accept more than one-hundred and twenty TnTs exactly the same way as they treated their old friends. I'd never expect that our CIP head, the guy who's supposed to make sure everyone is doing what they're supposed to, to be scary, friendly and approachable all at the same time. It's one hell of an entirely different feeling.

The narration, of course, starts from TnT interviews. It was of course, scary for me, but since Teriz, TnT core, was pretty nice, but I had to sing, and I wasn't a singer... I made it happen. The second interview was a lot worse. It was like I had all the life and energy sucked out of me. Margaux, another TnT core member, was pretty harsh, and Eddy and Sam looked pretty much as strict. However, it was all an act. I didn't realize it at that time, but I really wanted to be a TnT. It came late, good thing I was accepted.

Then, we proceed to training days...

I'll never forget that first day of training. The moment I stepped atop the MVP-CSL roofdeck, I was greeted by a few familiar faces, and over a hundred fresh faces. Some I see walking around campus, some I don't at all. Jam approached me first, probably recognizing I was a newbie. She explained the improvement in the TNT operations. While we had the new Filed folders (previous years had plastic envelopes). Our batch was probably special, and I picked the perfect time to be a newbie. Then again, everything was so new to me, and I was still shy to be among everyone else. After all I didn't know anyone there, save for a few. But, as the day went on, I met new people, more and more friends. It was one hell of an experience, to go through one whole day of TNT training was crazy enough. Just one day was life changing. All the activities were one of a kind, it was unique, it was party all-day with a little bit of team-building. TNTs party hard, in a different kind of way, we don't need alcohol to party hard.

The second day became even better. The games, GD's, team-building activities were much more fun than the first day. And all the TNTs somewhat became closer to one another, we all started meeting each other, we all started mingling. The groups were broken up, and we seemed more like a... (inhale) family.

The third day was somewhat the same, except we met the logistics crew already, those who were going to assist us on the actual OrSem. We had GD's and situationers with them already. It was an experience for a lifetime, and it was just training.

And, about a week later, OrSem had arrived...

The first day was... scary... I never really knew what to expect... I didn't know what to do either. All I knew was that we had to have energy. The energy of our culture was based upon the energy of others. The TNTs get their energies off other TNTs. It's amazing, everyone's helping each other, the energies of everyone boosting everyone else's.

However, it was priceless... Before the gates opened, all the TNT's were at the cage area, welcoming the freshmen, cheering for them, while enjoying, partying. It was a good feeling to be a part of something that big. It was immensely a great feeling. When the freshmen started to flood in the covered courts, it was amazing. The TNTs were all dancing on the chairs, all of us, until the freshmen had filled up the chairs, and there were no places for us to stand and dance upon. It was indeed one hell of a party. The entire 8am-430pm, one whole day of music, dance and it was all for the freshmen!

It was for three days. It was an experience I don't ever want to forget. Despite the loss of voice, the tired legs, and the exhaustion and all the hardships we all went through, it was one hell of a ride, and I'll definitely be a part of next year's... (inhale) FAMILY.

This, Too, Shall Pass...

Some people make mistakes because at first it seems right, when it turns out that it was the worst decision you could ever make. These instances are bitches but you can only hope that they'll pass.

I'm stuck in the same old rut of teenage life: dilemmas.

There's something I have to leave for a while, but I don't really want to, because it's been such a huge part of my life already and it's killing me to let it all go, but something better awaits if this happens, so, I guess I just have to let it go for the meantime. But here's to hoping that it'll all pass, and everything will turn out better.

I've consulted non-involved people with this certain dilemma, and says I shouldn't have to do it, but there's a part of me that feels like it should happen, even if I don't want it to.

Concerned past feelings are already long gone, and I've moved on, but still, there're some things that I can't really let go of that easily. Mind you, this isn't easy. It's not an easy decision, and it just hurts that I have to do this. But it'll all turn better in the end. Hopefully.

Kept Me Out of It.

School has kept me out of this part of my life the past few weeks. Hmm... But I stumbled upon something on Facebook. A post on a friend's wall, that got me reminiscing, that got me thinking.

Looking through old photos of what life had been like had I not left it all behind. Would I have gotten better at golf, perhaps? Could I have possibly followed my dad's plan for me, and be studying in the United States right now? Or even better, would I have gotten a golf scholarship? Many questions like these come to mind, but now, all I can do is wonder.

Particularly, the photo I saw, was an old crush, and well... despite everybody saying not so nice stuff, there was a part of me that always liked her. It took me one look to see what beauty she had. It took me a few days to see that she would be an important person in my life, but I couldn't foresee that she'd just be someone important for a number of years, then just vanish into something else she loves doing, something else I used to love doing to. I stopped golf, she took it seriously.

I'm seriously starting to wonder what happened if I took golf seriously, just like she did. Would I still be liking her right now? Would I still be seeing her regularly? Would I be awaiting texts and phone calls just like I do when Ian comes home? I can wonder, or I can let it go.

But, as I've learned, it's not that easy to let it go. This was a significant happening in my life, but the past it past. I'll get nothing from living there. I'm excited for the future, yet a little scared. I want to stick with what's familiar, but I need to go there.

I don't have any disappointments with how my life turned out, though some people might. No regrets on leaving that life behind me in exchange for this one. Although, I might begin life anew, and play that life, along with this one, hoping things would turn out overall, better. I think I want that, but right now, I have no doubts that my life couldn't be any better right now. *Insert mayabang smug face here*

I just miss her, she was a really good friend. Too bad, she's gone.

A New Blog

As mentioned previously...

I am writing a story, making every part and chapter visible to public eyes, but hidden in plain sight. (What?)

There's a blog, a public blog, where-in you have to find the name, I wanna show my friends, but I want to keep it hidden for the time being, and since I love games. Let's play one. Let's see... hmm...........

--------------.blogspot.com (http://savethewords.org)

How do we make a clue? CLUE: I'm HIDING IN THE DARK. GOODLUCK!!

It's a two-word blog... Go to the website as previously stated. I'm hiding there. If you don't get it, just ask me. ;)

Writing

There's something about this summer that is making me do things that... well... I don't know... I thought I had given up. I thought I was going to quit on my Chinese Studies minor, and this summer is making me think twice about it. I'm exposed to language studies almost everyday, I have a friend that's currently taking up her minor in CHINA, cool! I have a friend that has started to take a minor track as well, plus my former laoshi (teacher) is very, very inspiring.

I thought I had given up on sports, but now, I'm not so sure. I want to buy a bike, basketball is getting more serious for me. Plus, the NBA is huge these days. The Miami Heat's following the Celtics' path to glory. Memphis is on a WTF streak!! And the Dallas Mavs, well, say no more, they beat the Lakers in a game 1, nail-biter. Let's just hope my idols are doing well!!

I thought I had given up on writing, but not quite. I'm starting to write again. Starting out again with poems and music with a buddy, and then working on a side project again, another story. Not just any story, but something that is closely heartfelt. It's hidden in another latibule. Perhaps... Somewhere in the dark. (Weffriddles?) (Laugh).

Well, about my side project, I'm taking it slowly, writing part by part, then forming chapter by chapter, making it finally complete, but still hiding somewhere. Should I make it known?

09.1.9

There are some days that change your life, and at first, it may seem like a good change, but eventually you'll find it all going downhill, or at least straying away from the path you initially wanted to follow.

One day would make everything go wrong, or turn you right around straight to perfection. Sometimes you know it, and sometimes you don't.

That day still haunts me today... I still wonder what would have happened if events of that day had never occurred, but then again, would I be where I am now?

Downplay

I was supposed to talk about downplay tonight. But I found a new topic to talk about. Mainly still about downplaying, or quitting...

Quitting and downplaying aren't always bad things. There are shit that happen in life that make you see how bad you are. I never realized myself that I was pathetic, until a certain event that happened tonight. I can't spare details, it's not my story to tell... All that you should know that now, I know how pathetic I am, and it's time to pick all that bullshit up, and well.... enough with all this bullshit.

It's time to quit all this fucking non-sense, and start to live my life as it needs to lived, not how I want it to be lived. If I followed everything I wanted, wouldn't that make me spoiled? I don't want that, would I? I can't get everything I want... I just have to be content with what I do have. Well, let's just work for the better....

Some Others

One of my friends' blogs gave me something to think about today. It was a very, very insightful blog, it made me think whether I had made the right decision long ago.

It was one of my friend's blog that had put the thought in my head, and it had made me look back. It was towards the end of my senior year in high school. I had a friend, and for privacy's sake, I won't name her. My friend had put on her blog:

What would you do if you suddenly find out that the person you liked before or still do….. also liked you the same time you liked that person but both of you never knew until it was too late……

Just a thought….

It just had brought the idea of my friend back into my mind, 'cause we had one date, and I haven't seen her since. But somehow, I managed to contact her a while after that, she told me that maybe it was possible, that I had a chance. After that night, I put my phone down, and just let go. Sure, it was confusing. I don't know whether to be happy that I knew I had a shot, or sad that I didn't stick it out. I just let it go, I let her go.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be, I had started falling for someone else when it was clarified that I, indeed, had a shot. However, I guess, it's just time to move on. I don't want the universe to slap me in the face when I go back and find out that someone else had taken that chance, so, it's no turning around now. I'll just let her be happy on her own, let myself be happy on my own. There are some others that may choose to go back, or interfere, or do something about it. There are some others that may cry, some others choose to let it bother them until something happens. There are some like me, that had just let it go, and sometimes regretted to let it go. But, letting go doesn't mean giving up, I'm not weak, I'm just not the same guy I was, and everything that happened between us, it's all gone now, and my regrets, gone with her.

So, friend, if you can read this, you can either, just let him go, try to get him back, or be patient and try to work something out after some time. Goodluck. :)

[http://lilbabyfox.wordpress.com/]

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Junior Year

Junior year for me is special. In high school, prom was there... I met really great people, got really close with even better ones. School was a blast, I had the highest and best grades of my life.

Soooo...

I'm a college junior now. I've grown much, much older, and more and more mature. The people I know and are close to now are better, and I need to find a group of friends that will complement me, and help me do better, not bring me down, or make me feel like life is bullshit. I don't need people in my life that carry around loads of horse apples. Most of the people I know now are great, and well there are those that aren't really my favorite people, but you can't really choose the people who are involved in your life, sometimes, you have to just live with it, and learn to accept that they're there and that's that.

Actually, I came online to blog about what I want out of my junior year. I want...

A huge turnaround from my sophomore year.

For there are many things about me that may not know in my sophomore year. I was not who I wanted to be. Life was testing me, throughout the entire year.

My life was a load of fucked up bullshit, on the express way to nowhere, and for those who know about this blog, probably know about my suicidal-state those times. Life was somewhat terrible for me, and to make matters worse, I was a total asshole. I don't know why, the stress, the madness was probably getting to me. It's time to change this now. New school year, new life.

My first day as a junior started out great, good people in my classes, great friends to be with, great teachers, based on the short moments I've had with them. Amazing moments already, and it's just the first day of class. I'm waiting for more to come.

And nothing more.

All I want is for my life to change, and I think I want to make it happen. Junior year was the year in high school where I turned around, let's hope the college turnaround is A LOT bigger than that of high school. Junior year was the year that a lot of things happened. I wish my college junior year would be the year where I make a lot of things happen. Hopefully, I get something good out of my wishes as well.

It's time for the turnaround.

Again

I realized that I haven't blogged anything in ages. I don't know what to blog about. It's like everything is going great for me, I have nothing so special to blog about anymore. Life has been routinely awesome this break, more or less.

What have I done exactly? Let me see...

Earlier in the break, I spent time with my cousins, and family. A sleepover at our grandparents' place. It's always great being in their company, hanging out with them day and night, talking about stuff, doing random things. Making fail plans that never push through.

Eventually, I got re-acquainted with movies, Mortal Kombat (both), Back to the Future and more soon to come perhaps. It's been quite nostalgic. I remember all the childhood memories, sitting for hours in front of our PlayStation, computer, TV, watching/playing videos/games. It's quite great.

I met new friends over the break, not quite in my age group, but still a great bunch of people to hang out with: Bea, Angelica, Amanda. Got closer to some of the older friends Rachel, Rina, Tristan, and the others. This is what happens when people of my age aren't around, or don't hang out. But nonetheless, the break was a reintroduction into the early teen years.

There is a sensitive topic I won't discuss, let's just say that it revolves around the past. I won't share it in detail though. Sorry.

However, the break was great, all I have now is a TnT interview on Monday and then back to school on Tuesday. I'm so excited, let's hope this is gonna be a great summer semester.

Nostalgic

Present-day Asuncion Kids.

Not all are kids anymore, though.

There's just something about memory. I've always liked a quote I read once:

"The funny thing about memory is that it makes you laugh when you remember the times you cried together, and it makes you cry when you remember the times you laughed together."

This is just very true. It's quite sad to leave all the laughter and the joy behind, and the little things you cry about when you're young, just laugh at them eventually. When you mature, and everything becomes more serious, this just has to happen, and honestly, memories are very, very confusing.

Why the sudden nostalgia?

It was a Friday night, after finals. My cousin came over, and invited me to stay over with them. She tempted me with brunch and a movie. (Am I easily tempted or what?) Free stuff to do over what would be a boring Saturday morning and afternoon. I gave in and asked permission, and I'm at my grandmother's house now.

The nostalgic part of Friday night was the conversation I had with my cousin. Everything we did as a family started coming back, all the memories, the good and the bad.

How could I forget? It was all so innocent back then. It was really just purely innocent fun we all had. The times we'd get annoyed at each other for the most trivial things, the times we'd all be so obsessed with certain things. The times that we all just did stuff, and no one thought malice of it, stuff that if we did now, people would freak out.

I remember... (My Top Ten Memories of the Asuncion Clan)

10. The Band.

Earlier in the previous decade, we were all musically obsessed at some point. We decided to form a band. It never pushed through, but the memory was still loved. Ate France and I played guitars at the time. Alisa planned on taking up bass. Paola on Drums. It was a family thing. It was a fun thing to plan out, but it never really pushed through. Oh well...

9. The Harry Potter obsession.

Intensely addicted to Harry Potter, I remember all those sheets of paper listing down all the spells and what they'd do. The free website we made that was purely dedicated to the cast (Radcliffe, Watson, Grint). I remember the toy wands we made out of whatever we could find.

8. The Yearly Halloween Treats.

It used to be so that we'd go trick or treat in the humongous Ayala Alabang Village. This used to be an every year thing, and then we'd all split the candy we got. It was heaven, and the candies used to last us for days. Of course, we didn't forget to brush our teeth afterwards.

7. The Bible Sessions.

Our grandma used to enroll us in Sunday school. It was all Bible based, and it was fun, but I don't remember any of our friends there, us family, we just stuck together. I remember some of the games though. The RPS-type, Bible game we always played, the candy they always gave. (Samson, Delilah, Lion instead of Rock, Paper, Scissors and the candy they gave was always Airheads) I don't remember so much about much of the other schools we went to, I only remember a few.

6. New Year's.

It so happened long ago that New Year's eve, we spent a part of it in Ayala Alabang, blowing up fireworks. And at around 10pm, despite the noise, everything was crazier inside the household than outside. Crazy in a sense that it was weird. Alisa was sleeping, I don't know how she could despite the noise. Gabbie was always scared, she'd be hiding out in the maid's quarters, or the music room, trying to get away from the thunderous noise of the firecrackers. Everyone else was either trying to wake Alisa up, or trying to force Gabbie to come out and see the colors in the night sky.

5. The Yearly Clan Photo.

My grandfather likes to keep memories in his albums. He has collection of hundreds of photo albums, thousand maybe even tens of thousands of photos. But, there's always a photo that I'll never forget, the yearly family photo we always take at Christmas. It's a way for my grandpa to remember all of us as we grew up through the years, and it's a way for us kids to see that too. Also, it's a way for us to see how we all grew up, and a stimulus for nostalgia. We'd always remember the funny poses, how it all turned out, and of course, my personal favorite... "The Eyeball Photo."

I'm trying to find a copy of the Eyeball Photo.

4. The Slide.

From our grandparents' old house in the Villamor Airbase, to their new house in Ayala Alabang, there was a slide that always accompanied our childhood. I don't know where it is now, I think it's in the empty lot next door, but the green, yellow and red slide always provided us with memories. From "the push incident" to the rustiness, it had always been there for us, providing us with a momentary breeze of air as we slid down, with our white shorts then colored rust afterwards.

3. The Clubhouse.

There was a place we used to call "The Clubhouse." It was a bench attached to a tree on the empty lot next to our grandparents' place. It was our hang out place, it was where we stayed while eating chips, drinking softdrinks, and just hanging out, before the weather got too hot, and before Facebook and the internet started taking it all away from us. I remember Paola used to climb that tree, I didn't know how to climb, but eventually I learned, I didn't climb so much though. I remember looking over the wall, into a vast distance of nothing but sky.

2. Gaming

If we weren't in Alabang, we would sleep over in whoever's house. Whatever we had to do was what we did, and the Betitas (Ate France, Alisa, Paola, Tea wasn't born yet at the time) had a computer filled with so much different games. And Spooky Castle was one of our favorites. We would kill each other over playing time. And there's something I'm not so proud of... I was young, so don't judge me... For some time, we all played... Detective Barbie. I know it's a girly game, but childhood memories are fun that way, you'd do stuff you know you wouldn't do when you become of age.

1. The Bubble Bath.

Our grandparents had a bath tub in their huge bathroom (it's still there). All of us, Ate Francie, Alisa, Junie (my brother), Paola, and Gabbie (Casas, another cousin of ours) used to take bubble baths all at the same time, and enjoyed it every single time, despite all six of us trying to desperately fit into a bath tub where I know I'd barely fit now. It was a pain for our bodies trying to cramp ourselves in there, but it was so worth it, I enjoyed every single bruise (if I did have, although, I think I probably would have had one.)

Original Asuncion Babies.

1998.

Greetings from the Asuncion kids of the 90's.

FrancieJustinAlisaJuniePaolaGabbie.

Puzzling

Finals week is almost over, just one exam left... more of a long test rather... and I must say that I'm glad to end this school year.

Let's hope that next school year will be better for me.

Anyway... There's been something wrong with me the past few days, and I can't really pinpoint what it is... there's just something off... but nonetheless, I will not let it get to me...

Life is like a Rubik's cube... (speaking of which.. I can't wait for Monfort to give me mine)... There are algorithms to get a certain tiny box to its proper location, a way to solve everything. However, you'd have to complete the first base first, and it's pretty hard doing so when you've never tried it before, but it gets easier over time. And, if you've tried and tried solving one, the way to solve it isn't the same way every time. It somehow always ends up with a different pattern every time.

Lately has been a familiar pattern for me. I've seen this before, and last time it didn't turn out for the best, but it was pretty good... a quick- or rather- somewhat good result. I guess, it's not so bad.... but I've only just started again, let's see how the succeeding layers will turn out.

Innocence

Butterflies

Alana Lee

How I wish life were as simple as this. Another Ark Music project (Same company who produced and released Rebecca Black's "Friday"), but this time it's quite different: theme and artist.

I don't know much about Alana Lee(artist) or the company(Ark Music), but from what I've seen and heard, she is definitely better than that Rebecca Black.

I'm not going to talk about that other Friday girl any longer. I just enjoyed the kiddie, puppy love childhood song of Alana Lee. It may come off to others as not their type of music, it certainly isn't mine, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. Why?

Here's why. Watch it. It has a comforting, nostalgic feel to it. Do you remember that childhood crush? I know I do, sort of. I remember the way I felt, the way I'd run away when I see her. The way it all was so long ago, when I was so young. I sort of remember everything the way was. I never had a school crush, 'cause well... I was in an all-boys school, and it'd be kind of weird if I did. I remember how it was so confusing to have a crush like this, the way I'd love seeing her around, but never wanted to be around her. It was crazy.

I hope you all enjoy this video as it may take you back to your old "happy crush" memories. It's a beautiful stage in one's life, I just hope it never had to end.

PS. Don't be surprised if I suddenly have one again soon. It'll make me feel younger, so, please don't judge. Thank you.

Totally Different

There are things in life that are different than you initially perceive them to be. Events, occurrences, things, people. People. People. People.

This is when I realized that first impressions aren't supposed to be made. This already happened to me, one person that I initially thought was the devil, turned out to be an angel for me, sort of.

There are a lot of things changing in life now, including myself. I've been well... better off lately.

I've secrets to hide, stories to tell, moments to live and people to love. I just hope that my new positive outlook on life now gives a totally different outcome on what I used to see and believe.

I know this is a short blog. I have nothing to blog about. Like the photo.... let's hope I'm entering into somewhere better than I previously was.

Unfinished

That first stroke of blue and yellow oil

on a sheet of canvas, a

depiction of happiness, of sadness,

of memories, of life.

But in a a matter of hours,

days, months, to even years,

a streak of gold and yellow

turns into a burst of unheard-of colors

and a blank, unfilled

corner of a dirty-white canvas,

that is meant for what it

unfinished.

Labascate

v. to begin to fall or slip

Back to this? not quite.

Just a flashback to the past, as nostalgia hit me tonight, and last night.

We were looking back through a few childhood photos last night, and behold all the memories that came back. It made me see the development in my life: from the Nina-Justin baby days. I remember that we were super close, if I remember right. She was like my best friend, I think.

No photo yet. Will search for one.

To the lonely early grade school days, where I was used to eating lunch alone. The later grade school days, where I met one of my best friends, Ian.

No photo.

To the high school days, where my best friend left. To where my loneliness had gotten me good for half the high school life, to where I met the KBoys.

A Look Into My Life

A Glimpse of K2009

To my college days, where I met another of my best friends, Janine. Where I shifted into MAC, then out of it, a year and a half later. Where I met just more of my really great friends, Nikki, Camae, Sassy, Gianna, Diamond. The R4 people. All of them.

Janine and myself

The R4 People.

I'm slowly labascating into the past, but I know I have to move forward into the future. The past is something I'd like to bring back in part, yet I'd like to forget somehow.

There are those share of moments that I'd love to last

and a share of moments, that should stay in the past.

Going back to being childish, I guess.

There are things that I have long forgotten, there are things I'd love to bring back. But I can't and I don't mind, because life has turned out for the better for me, and I'm thankful for that.

Here's Who I Am Today:

This very moment in my life, these are the people.

the friends I've had to hold on to.

the friends I learned to love

the friends I DO love.

Just a little bit of my life. To share.

I'm thankful for every little portion that was given to me. I hope that you see this and well, slip into the bliss I am experiencing, or at least find your own way to labascate into an entirely different happiness of your own. :)

Thank You

Welcome to the post-teen years.

Officially, it's time to start everything over. Celebrations are done. Thank you all for the wonderful (Janine), and "kalokohan" (Camae, Sassy, Nikki), and the soon-to-arrive (Monfort) gifts. A whole lot of heart-warming and loving experiences the past week, combined with a couple of scares and stress, make a really perfect week for a birthday.

Thanks for the "kalokohan" gift.

Thanks for the wonderful gifts as well.

I'm thankful to God that I have such great friends. (This goes out to all those who came, and those who didn't.) Maybe it's too soon to say, but I love all of you guys. (I hope you'll be able to read this)

Well, twenty isn't so bad. Everyone's asking. It feels pretty much the same, but somehow different. It's like that first time you try something new. There is something different about how you feel, I guess, but it's something good. I have a refreshing start. It's time.

Thank you all!! JanineNikkiSassyCamaeGiannaDiamond: absolutely the best people in the world.

JoshAlisa MigsBianca Domz Daluz Macky Monfort Joyce. All those who make me feel wanted and loved. Thank you all.

One

One day left. It's almost here. Actually, less than a day left.

It's currently around 4:30pm, so around seven and a half hours left before the big TWO-OH. UH-OH.

I'm growing up so fast, I can still remember the days I was starting basketball. The days I hated the damn sport. The day that my dad threw a basketball at me, and it hit my face. I have a lot of memories such as this, let us give it all some closure. I'll finally share some moments in my life, that I need to get over, let go, and forget.

First: this is actually a series of memories. Many, many times when I'd hang out with my cousin, C. Dad would think I'm gay and over and over again, he'd get mad at me for it. Over and over again, it would be the worst moments of my life. To think that my dad could do that.

Second: again with my dad. I remember the first time I really had a crush on someone. I was in the sixth or seventh grade if I recall right. I didn't really want to tell anybody, but then people found out. My dad had the worst reaction: it went something like, "bakit naman siya? eh, pangit naman siya." To think my dad did that.

Third: another day again, with my dad. That one morning he woke me up so early, and had me play basketball. He threw a ball in my face, and for some time I'd been afraid of basketballs. I have gotten over that, but this day still has a bearing on me. He screamed at me, got mad, and pushed me around. He was still younger then, so he was a little bit stronger. To think my dad did that.

Fourth: one day in second grade. Finally not something with my dad. I remember being the one that was always chased around. I remember someone I knew, roughed me up a little bit, put glue in my eye, and that was pretty bad for my age. I remembered that moment until we were in second year high school and that same guy was my classmate, I just don't remember who his goons were. But I often still think of that moment, that I still have something to prove, perhaps. I don't.

Fifth: a more recent moment. I guess this was the one I was hurt pretty bad. This is just about the Miami Heat. I thought LeBron was meant for that team. I guess not. Sometimes, hard feelings occur, and LeBron just has to move on. Maybe he should stop being King James, and just be LeBron James instead, find something new about the Miami Heat, and maybe, in effect take on a whole new person. Maybe that way, LeBron James would be happier and finally win a ring for himself, and stop dreaming of reaching Jordan, because no one ever will.

These five moments are all I can think of at the moment. In a couple of hours, I just have to move past them. There are things that are worth holding on to. You'll hear about them soon enough, when I realize what there are to hold on to. And they're quite a number as well. It's now almost 5:00pm, and I have seven hours left to hold on to every little one of these things, similar to these five.

Two

2.

Sigh.. literally, a couple of days left... I haven't done a lot of things yet in my life, I have yet to really experience it, I hope I get to before I really grow into an adult (21).

Something has been happening over the past couple of weeks, and it's a phenomenon that's pretty hard to explain. Everything's changing around me. I can feel myself slowly inching into the domain of the "adult." There are a lot of things that I should change in my life, and I think it's time to get serious, about many things.

So, well.... the wait is almost over, and the maturity should be kicking in soon enough. No more chocolate birthday cakes, I think it's time for a more serious flavor, no more fifteen cups of rice per meal, no more playing around. It's time to be happy, yet more serious about everything. Smile. :)

Three

3. It's so close now. I can feel it, anxiety, nervousness, excitement.

Three days. There is this thing called the three days rule... You're only supposed to call a girl three days after you get her number. What do you think?

Well, I got nothing to blog about, and since it's my countdown to my birthday, I needed something to blog about.

Sooooo... three days.... three days... three days... Well... that's about it... see you all on my birthday. :)

BIG COUNTDOWN... Three...

Four

4.

I'm off to party tonight, my last party as a TEEN. It's kinda sad that I'll be leaving it all behind.

But life isn't over yet. I'll be starting life as a twenty-year old... A new beginning. A new canvas to paint everything on. It's time to stop being a kid in a couple of days.

I'm quite excited. FOR TONIGHT... and FOR LIFE.

I'm starting to expect things again. It's like my eighteenth birthday, where I'm speculating quite a lot of things.

What would happen in a few days when my birthday comes? Would it be a new chance to fix myself? I hope so. Oh well... I'm looking forward to life as a twenty year old. What will it be like? Legendary! How do I know? Because I'll live it to be legendary.

Five

5 days to go. What a countdown.

Today's been good. I've finally gone to the gym again. I can't wait to feel the post-gym pain. Hahaha. :) I like it, I don't know why. :)

Anyway... I delivered a speech today, my first time to a crowd that huge. It was crazy, because it was my first time to do so. It was a very fruitful experience, and I kinda wanna do it again. Maybe I enjoyed it, maybe I enjoyed it too much.

Anyway... Five days to go, then it's off to adult land. Gotta start getting used to adult life, and well... life. Hahaha!

I don't know what to blog about really... hahaha... so, let's just put FIVE random facts about me:

5. I don't really party, but I'm going to one tomorrow

4. I haven't been this happy since...

3. Go Dallas Mavericks!!

2. I love Bugs.

1. LeBron was much better off in Cleveland.

Six

6.. LeBron James' new jersey number in Miami.

I have six days left, as for stupid, I don't know what stupid thing I've done, but I've plans, and I don't know how I'll go about it yet. But I wish for me to do at least part of it.

There is that points in life where you just get up and say: "life is awesome." and actually mean it. There are points where you say: "life is boring." and mean it. There are points in life you say: "life is awful." and mean it. There are times you don't mean it. There are times whether you just don't know how life is for you.

Right now, I'm at that first point. I've been telling myself life's been good for me. I don't want to switch that point ever again, but shit happens, and well... fuck that shit. I've been pretty happy the past few days, I haven't been this happy about life in a long time, and so, being happy is kinda great. I forgot how it felt like. I'm enjoying this bliss. I hope it lasts.

Someone's slowly breaking it down, and I'm hoping that she won't completely. However, it's kind of confusing, she's the one who made me this happy in the first place. I know how to feel, but it sucks that whenever I am happy, there's always a way for her to burst my bubble. Confused? Quite. Help me out, anyone?

Seven

7. One week.

And today... I have the energy of a child again. It's like it's so appealing to try and do everything. So, in my last week as a teen, let us try to do everything that will not endanger anything. Let's be stupid for a while.

I need to plan what's left that I could do.

I feel young again, and it's time to do what young kids do. I think. I'm playing basketball again, I'm running around, walking going everywhere. This blog entry's not going anywhere, so... let us make some plans....

I have seven days left, let us make a list of things that I can do. I want some typical teenage experiences, so, let's cause some drama one more time. This time, I don't want regrets, so however it turns out, I'll live with it. I want to feel young, so I'm gymming, playing basketball again, at least once more before I turn twenty and do that over again a lot more times. I want to hold off taking care of myself for a while, so let's be reckless. I shall see what happens. I will... try to be hyperactive in everything. I may seem crazy for doing this, but I want to feel young. This may be the last time that any of this may ever happen, so let us be young. Let me be young for one more week. And even though I can still be young at twenty years old. I want to be stupid for one last week in my life. So, I'll just do it. No problems. :)

Eight

8. I can't think of eights. Hahaha.

Well, it's my last eight days of my teen years. What's happening now?

Today has been, well, productive, but not for me. Well, for me as well. Hahaha. Nikki's been having paper troubles, I try to help, I hope I can be of help. There are many things happening in my life, too, I think.

So far, it's been eat-eat-eat for me. Hahaha. It's a bad habit, and I'm gaining weight because of it. I should go back to gym-gym-gym. Hahaha. I've gone through so much since my birthday last year. But let's recall, what happened last year?

I had my birthday celebration at the bar, the bar which dad used to own and operate. One of my sadder birthdays. I spent it in a club, doing nothing, since clubbing wasn't really my thing. At least I was with awesome people, Raissa, Kevin, among others in the club. However, the highlight of my night, really, was the dinner. Some of the people I love the most were there, Janine, english and MAC people came as well. It's been so long, and I still have memories of that night. That was still pretty much the first year days. I refer to those days as the first year days because I was a freshman.

Although, there was something else about those days. I'm not sure what, I'm still quite puzzled, but hopefully, I can bring it back. I want to bring it back. Life was less complicated back then. I just want a redo, but who says I can't? The redo starts in... eight days. Let's just fool around for a bit. The last bit of my teenage years. It's time to say goodbye, and start all over.

Nine

9. "I" Rajon Rondo, Michael Jordan's Olympic number. My birthday.

Nine days left. Nine has always been my number, and I love counting down to my birthday especially if it's less than ten days left... in short... nine days to go.

Despite growing old, I've always looked forward to my birthday, every single year. I love birthdays, they're just the one day I love that allows me to just forget everything and be whoever I want to be. I don't know why... I just love it.

It always starts nine days before my birthday. March 1. A major countdown is always happening. So, nine days left... I always make a series of journal entries, blogs, etc. I just want to remember what's happening before my birthday comes, I guess.

Hahaha. So, this is the start of a major countdown. So far, nothing's been happening. It's a bit more than a week off my birthday, and I won't let anything get to me, between now and then.

Eleven

11. "K" My high school class. John Wall.

I have twelve days to go in my teen years. I'm currently on an accounting class free cut. Watching the Miami-Washington game in the CTC computer lab. Speaking of the Heat. Wade is having a great game. LeBron is playing well, with twenty points, and Bosh is shooting poorly, but has contributed in some way or another. Nick Young and John Wall have been working for the Wizards.

The Miami Heat. There are analogies very few will understand. This is one of them. The Miami Heat. As I'm edging away from my teen years, things are starting to get more serious for me in life. This is one of them. The Miami Heat is a very important team in the NBA for me now. I have been a LeBron fan since he was playing for the Cavaliers. It's not just LeBron James, though that I support in Miami. Dwyane Wade, Eddie House, Mike Miller, the whole lot, also Erik Spoelstra, the Fil-Am head coach.

The game has ended though, with Dwyane Wade logging in another huge game for Miami. A plus-10 point differential. Scoring 41 points, 5 rebounds. He did his part in a shootout with Nick Young who had 38 for the Wizards.

For those who will understand this analogy, it isn't about basketball. I can feel everything already becoming so serious, and I think it's definitely time to be. I think it's time for LeBron to stop blaming his teammates and to stop chasing after the teams who will give him a title. It's time for him to bring the Miami Heat to a title of their own. LeBron needs to get it in his head that he can only play for one team, he can only have so many people to help him. It's time to get serious in Miami and bring a championship to this town. No Dallas Mavericks, no Boston Celtics, no Houston Rockets, no more Cleveland Cavaliers. There is now only LeBron, the Miami Heat and the NBA Finals in the near distance. It's time to get serious.

Thirteen

13. "M". Steve Nash. Unlucky. Friday. Janine's birthday. Etcetera. Sassy's MnMs. The number thirteen reminds me of so much things.

Thirteen days to go. Thirteen last days of my teen years. It's the morning of the twenty-fifth, and well... There are some recollections to do, some memories to visit, and a lot to contemplate on.

I feel like an NBA player, or an NBA team perhaps...? It's like I'm nearing the end of the regular season when everything's just so light, and I'm heading towards the playoffs, where everything gets bloody. Fouls are harder, more physical play is allowed, more pressure, and everyone's just more intense.

So, I'm nearing the end of my teenage years. It's time to turn the big TWO-OH. Twenty. I'm excited, but kind of sad. I'm ending my life as a teenager. I wished that I could have lived forever in the teens, but time cannot stop for me or anyone. So, the most has to be made out of what I have left, so... let us be irresponsible and immature for thirteen more days. How does that sound, who wishes to join me? Whoever will, if you can read this blog, when you see me, punch me in the arm, I'd enjoy that. Make me feel like a kid, one last stretch before everything gets to being serious.

Oops!!

There's a big "OOPS!" moment in everyone's life. A big accidental moment where you feel something change. Not necessarily your entire life, but maybe your outlook on something, feelings for someone, an attitude, among other things.

It's just like that one time you pick up that carton of milk in the fridge. You smell it to be sure it's fine, and it seems fine. But, OOPS! You take a sip and well... beg to differ. A big oops moment, that may get you sick of milk.

It's just like that one time you get stuck in school, and hang out with someone only to find out that she's not who you think she is. Appearing in front of you and everyone else in public, she puts on a mask that will allow her to blend in with everyone else and what everyone else is doing. However, all you need is a half-hour alone, everything may become clearer.

It's like that one more gulp of chocolate milk. When you have a spicy feeling in your throat, and have no choice but to drink milk. Then in an instant, milk is not so horrible for you, and you start drinking every night again before you know it.

It's just like that one-time you're both stuck in school, and you get to know each other better. It's just like that one time you spend time with her, and suddenly, you fail to study for that test you have tomorrow.

Tudiculate

v. to bruise or pound.

They said when you run, your heart gets bruised, although just a little bit. It heals quite quickly as well, but it still bruises. I have been taking beatings day after day after day. The school stress, the mental incapacity to handle everything around, the emotional incapacity to do what I have to do now. Everything is just leading to a bruised heart that will just take longer and longer to heal.

I know I should take a rest from all this, but there's nothing I can do, I don't actually want to do anything. Whenever I try to take a rest, something comes up, and this time, whatever's happening is kind of awful. I guess....

Teliferous

adj. bearing darts or missiles.

There are things in life that you have, and you love having, but hurts too much to hold on to. Just like an abusive friend perhaps? Maybe a cheating girlfriend? Or a crush that just keeps you around, and plays with you. Or feelings for a person you know you'll never be with. Or your first car, that always breaks down, and constantly need repairs.

This car of mine, a really old model, older than my sister, is too much of a pain. I've had it repaired so many, many times before. It just keeps on breaking down, one problem after another, but I love that car. It's my first, and it's something special to me. It's close to my heart.

However, it being old, it's teliferous mileage is starting to beat down on it. Damaging and wrecking every single mechanism that works in it, slowly. Costing so much in repairs, as much as I'd love to keep it around, when it gets unbearable, there is a need for goodbyes.

And compared to damages from darts and missiles, a goodbye is a nuclear bomb, just waiting to annihilate every single drop of life in me. So, I guess, I'll pick my poison when the time comes.

Succisive

adj. of spare or extra time.

There are a lot of dead moments in life, where you find yourself just staring into either: a) another person's eyes, b) at the television/computer, or c) into nothing. Let's just say that scenario (b) is happening to us. Imagine a very hot and dry summer day, and all you have right now is the television set, one of your favorite TV shows, and an electric fan pointed straight at you. What do you do? What is happening?

Here's what happened: the first thing you did was eat breakfast, and due to the annoying summer heat, you can't take it upon yourself to get up, put on a shirt and jeans and walk outside. You're still wearing that same old basketball jersey, and soccer shorts you went to bed with. Because you can't go outside, you find something to do at home, and Facebook just doesn't quite cut it when there's nothing else happening, so you turn on the TV. You lie on your bed, cross your legs, and flip through the channels, slowly, one by one, looking for a show to watch.

Finally, you settle on one of your favorite cartoons as a child. Boredom has gotten to you already, you're watching a TV show, you've supposedly outgrown. After, say, ten minutes, you've outgrown it, almost instantly, so you find another show to watch. Then, a few channels up, you see an old episode of an old sitcom. So you proceed to watch, only to find out you're in the midst of a marathon. But wait, two or three episodes in, you're already so bored, that you're watching, but not paying attention. You're watching to the point that you don't understand what's happening. You fail to comprehend the humor of an old episode you once enjoyed so much. Succisive moments has done so much for you, you've lost your sense of humor, you've lost your sanity.

However, unsuccisive moments do just as much for you. What do you get when you're on writing a 15-page paper, for 10 hours straight. You realize that you're title, introduction, the first two pages of the body have no connection with what you're writing now. What was I writing about? A TV show? Dead moments in life? The summer heat? And now, school? How did it get from there to here? Succisive moments do that much, you lose your ability to comprehend. Or have you really? Every patch of something is connected to another patch of something through spare, empty spaces. It's impossible not to pass through nothing to get from point A to B. So, going through life, succisive moments exist, and these succisive moments are what fill up life, when you have nothing to do at the moment.

Obstrigillate

v. to oppose; to resist

In my life, there are a lot of things that happen that I don't necessarily enjoy, or even want to happen. There are a lot of things that I can't control, a lot of phenomena that I have to live with.

It's a pretty rough time, and only one other person will get this. So, let's just say that we have two subjects, a refrigerator and a magnet. The magnet has an attraction to the refrigerator, and the magnet can't do anything about it until a human hand pulls it off the refrigerator. The refrigerator can't suddenly stop being made of metal and just drop the magnet. The refrigerator will never understand how the magnet is just so hung up on the fridge. Then, again, the magnet doesn't realize it either. But, the magnet is just one of many others stuck on the magnetic door of the fridge, and other special magnets just take up better places than this magnet. Would it be possible for this little magnet to obstrigillate a magnetic force, and just drop to the floor?

Vadiation

n. act of requiring a pledge.

I've often said that I'm willing to wait for her, with "her" referring to many different people in the course of my life. However, during the waiting period, there are things that happen and every once in a while, I lose contact, thus she takes whatever feelings I had for her, away.

But, as I normally put in these blogs, many things have changed, since the past, and always, I try to make something good out of all these changes.

This time, I'm not so sure that the girl can just go away like that. We're in the same school, the first time in 12 years that I actually had girls in my class. There's no possible way to ever lose contact, because we're together almost everyday. But there's one problem, and I shall quote Ted Mosby on it. It's hard to be around her. Although, it's not for the same reason Ted Mosby gave, it's for the same reason he meant, almost the same reason, at least.

Ted said first those words: "Lily hates you. She hates you so much it's hard to be around you." Meanwhile, Ted, inside, was speaking to himself: "Ted loves you. Ted loves you so much, it's hard to be around you." Thus, ending the friendship with Zoey. But doesn't everything start from friendship as that episode proves already. Ted and Zoey used to hate each other's guts, but became friends and fell in love with one another. Doesn't that disprove the whole theory that friends won't work out, and gives life to the saying that, "that's how it starts." I believe that not everyone goes out to meet people to be lovers right away. They don't start that way. I've never heard of any couple that started out as lovers the moment they first laid eyes on each other. They always began as friends.

I have no reason to believe that I cannot have feelings for a friend, when I have done so quite often in the past. I don't have feelings for appearance, or beauty, but attraction definitely starts there, but I've developed feelings for character, and the friendship we normally go through. I have never admitted to having feelings for someone knowing them just a couple of days. I've had feelings for, however, a lot of my friends, and even sometimes, though they've left me behind in their memories. Sometimes, those feelings eventually return, just like a reminder of a promise I once made to truly fall in love. Oftentimes, they don't last, but feeling the way I once did feels good, and I am feeling that now. I have to ask a vadiation of myself. I need to feel this way, maybe a subtle reminder that if this goes away, it will never go away permanently until I find a reason for it to. So, whoever you are, if you can read this, I hope that you'll be able to feel the same way too, it's a great feeling, and I want to make you feel the exact same way. I hope you'll let me let you, and if you will, vadiate me to say I will love you whole-heartedly, and forever.

Veteratorian

adj. subtle

There are a lot of things in life that need not be said, or that cannot be said. There are things that are better left unsaid, but need to be known. And sometimes, veteratorian hints are not really enough to say what you need to say.

So, another Valentine blog? Maybe...

If you get to read this, I hope you get the hint.

So, it all started about more than a year ago: when we met. I never really thought much about it 'cause I had feelings for someone else. However, things happen, times change, and well... it just happened, about a year ago. I started seeing her everyday, and well, I started talking to her, about randomly small things. And through a very confusing part in my life, what started out as a small-time crush, had eventually developed into what I call "butterflies." Slowly, from time-to-time, I'd drop obvious hints, and I've been trying to tell her in a veteratorian manner what I really want to just shout to the rest of the world. Isn't it pretty obvious that no matter how much I get hurt, I still won't stop trying? Isn't that subtle enough for you?

Well... It's a day removed from Valentine's, and another not-so-veteratorian surprise is waiting in less than 24 hours. It's a bad move, but I just wanted to support a friend. I hope it won't turn out so bad...

Archiloquy

n. first part of a speech

Everything has to begin from somewhere. And having finished our case study on the origin of life, I must think that I have begun from somewhere as well. All relationships begin from somewhere. And since it's Valentine's day soon enough. Let us talk about the archiloquy of the novel I'm attempting to write, and someday I hope I'll finish, my love story. A story I won't be ashamed to tell.

Let us recount the experiences. It's like a long, well-thought, written speech a speaker would deliver at some talk. He uses notes, a slideshow, pretty much, he has a guide to help get through his presentation. However, a speaker's archiloquy has pretty much no factual data to support his upcoming, still non-existing stand. Thus, notes will probably not help him.

The archiloquy to my love story is pretty much the same thing. I had no guides, nothing to help me remember that beautiful girl's face when we were introduced. So she waved hi, spoke my name, and re-introduced herself. And what did I do? I nodded, gave an awkward smile, and proceeded on my way. When I left, I resisted looking back, and resisted having an awkward conversation in an already awkward moment. And then, well... that's how it all began.

It's quite funny how introductions quite often turn out as wrecks for presentations. When you try to be entertaining and play a game, it never comes out as planned. Thus taking too long, or the crowd becomes too unruly. In my case, well... I never planned an introduction. The archiloquy wrote itself. What's worse is that, when I know I need it to stop writing itself, the pen just bleeds on more. It's like that last piece of food on your plate you know you need to finish, but you know you can't eat one more bite. The archiloquy kept on writing itself. And one day, it just ended, and moved on to another part of the novel I wanted to go through, the rest of it. And when the novel ended with a somewhat sad ending, an ending I never wanted to tell, the sequel started to write itself, too.

Ossifragant

adj. bone-breaking

One eventually goes through the troubles of injuries in life. Especially if you're either, athletic, trying-to-be-athletic, or intensely clumsy. What more if you're a combination of all three? You're a walking disaster waiting to happen. Also, there are some people cursed with scaevity(n. unluckiness) who, without managing to do anything suffer injuries.

However, ossifragant injuries do not only occur physically, but as a figure of speech, I have been injured ossifragantly before. I've never had a broken bone in the past. Except for what I think could possibly be either a stress fracture in my shins, or shinsplints. But that's the worst injury I've probably gotten, or maybe the carpal tunnel scare during the golfer days, or the ankle back in 2009 (I couldn't walk for two days(?) I think)

But the worst injuries of my life cannot be felt physically. (Although physical effects may occur after some time.) These injuries cannot be avoided as well. No matter how careful you are yourself, as time passes, you'll just have these injuries, and they will change your life forever.

However, Valentine's season is not a time to grieve, not a time to be sad at all. It's a time to rejoice, a day for couples to celebrate what they have, what they've shared, what they've been through, or what they are going through, despite it being good or bad.

And despite this blog having a very negative title. I must share something that was, for me, ossifragant, yet it gave me more reason to believe in something. An event that occurred so far away from Valentine's day.

I'm one of the jealous types, I think there's no argument there. So, when I found out that some of my friends had been keeping stories from me, I decided to deceive and play around. I took advantage of the internet, online messaging almost killed this friendship. Eventually, I found out the stories they were keeping from me, but at the cost of something greater. This friend of mine... let's call her Coke, just vanished. She was online, but she never talked to me, even as I tried speaking to her. She just went about her own business, never failing to ignore me. Fast forward... around 7 or 8 years later... to 2011. Well... I can just say now, that she's the person I really tell everything to. Despite our limited chances of seeing each other, because she lives and studies so far away. Approximately eight years ago, I was twelve. It was an emotionally ossifragant experience for me, losing a friend I had held so dear, I guess it was a broken experience. And the broken bones, a broken heart really teaches you something. I guess a broken heart is a good experience every once in a while. But break a heart too much, and it becomes as cold as ice when it heals. It will never break again, probably, but it's pretty hard to soften up as well. So, a heart can only break so much times, but this Valentine's I don't want my heart breaking, but if it must, let it be as ossifragant as it can get. It'll heal stronger that way.

Embolimaeal

adj. intercalary; inserted into the calendar.

Why not we have a countdown? FOUR days left. It's the tenth of February, and well, I have [somewhat] a plan for Valentine's. It's just like a birthday for me, I plan on doing something special, but my plan never turns out the way I want it to. Valentine's, Christmas and my birthday are significant embolimaeal events for me. They're always pretty big, and Valentine's was never a part until I got into college.

So, let me recount all the Valentine's days I've planned since my first year in high school...

Ok fine, second year, I don't remember my freshman year so much...

In second year, I was planning to screw Valentine's day, go home, and sleep! This was the year where A*** and myself well..... things ended quite badly... I don't really remember how everything started and ended, and now, I don't think she remembers me.

In third year, Valentine's day... was on a weekday... and it was PROM season. Wow, I think I'll keep the details between me and my prom date. (Hello to you, prom date, if you get the chance to see this blog.) But to summarize, well... I had fun, and now I possess a traboccant collection of fun but somewhat awkward memories. It wasn't exactly Valentine's but PROM night was pretty amazing in itself.

In my senior year in high school... Wow, Valentine's in my senior year. I remember spending Valentine's this year with new-found friends. I'm not so sure on this, but this year, Valentine's was spent well.... goofing off.

In my college freshman year... Well, I liked Valentine's day this year. Though, if memory serves me well, it was on a Sunday, so, my Valentine's plan was delayed by one day. However, the memory should remain between me and her. So, the details shall remain hidden elsewhere, in a separate latibule.

Sophomore year of college... Well, this year has proven to be full of surprises. I have a plan, I'm not sure about anything though, because as of late, everything's been pretty confusing. I could say that Valentine's has a fifty-fifty chance of being a complete wreck, and the other fifty percent chance with everything remaining the same. I'm sure of this already, that this Valentine's no progress will occur. I can only hope now for the better fifty percent, for things to remain the way they are with.... [Bugs Bunny].

So, do I smell a personal tradition in the making? Valentine's with equal embolimaeality as my birthday? Maybe so. I don't know. I'll just play it by year, whether Valentine's would be as special on a yearly basis. For as long as I remember, Valentine's never really meant anything to me until recently.

Isangelous

adj. equivalent to the angels.

A Valentine's blog for the upcoming Valentine's day? Maybe it is just fitting, or a bit too soon?

Either way, it's up here already, and if you're reading this, then maybe you're excited perhaps? (Or you may have managed to find my blog if you're not Janine, Crystal, Arlene or Ariela.) I'm a bit love sick, since the last How I Met Your Mother episode had a very sweet break-up-to-make-up ending.

The recent episode made me dream (or rather, daydream) about my love story yet again, about my wish that it would be like in the movies, a happy ending after a struggle to find love? Is that the love story I wished for myself?

Probably not.

No one likes to suffer, but not everyone can have their way. In love, there is always sacrifice, compromise and understanding involved. And I have begun to love, or adore, or whatever term may suit my feelings the best, and I have understood that I may be hurt, or I may hurt, if I am not careful with what I do or what I say. All I can do is be careful and hope that every decision will lead me to the path where no one gets hurt, but we know that's too an ideal thought. So, I'd rather that I get hurt, if ever one needs to be. That's the sacrifice and compromise I'm willing to make. And beyond all the cuts, bruises and wounds, if the horrible exterior would disguise my interior, or if anyone would choose to turn a blind eye to what is isangelous about my interior, then so be it. In my eyes, she is no longer isangelous as well. However, if there was just one girl, any one, that would be willing to look past all the marks and scars that these injuries have left me, then she must be the angel I'm looking for: the angel that has understands all these injuries, however, has seen me equally isangelous to her, though that is probably not quite possible.

Traboccant

adj. superabundant

There are a lot of things that makes life worth living, but what are those things?

First would probably the thrill of mystery. We don't know whatever to expect, the best way to find out is through anticipation, or making a wild guess, or just feeling things. There are things I thought I felt, when in fact there was nothing. There are times I couldn't feel or know anything, when I should have known that there was something. These things are pretty hard to pinpoint, and my fair share of these experiences has been somewhat up and down for me. Of course, everyone has their bad times, everyone has their good times. I've had former crushes like me back, after I've finally gotten over everything. I've had fights with friends. I've had disagreements, and make-ups, and break-ups.

However what makes life very interesting for me is the traboccant amount of memories and stories that I have to share. They may not be interesting for you, but without every single one of these memories, life won't be as colorful for me. All the drama makes life exciting to live, all the joy makes the hardships worthwhile, and all thee pain and sadness are but mere obstacles to make this game called life a bit more challenging. Just like a video game, it's not fun if it's easy, so life has a default difficulty setting, where-in the difficulties we experience will give an array of traboccant life-long memories, which we will someday tell. Tell to who? Our kids? Our grandkids? Not only, of course! We will tell them to our friends. Those who gave and enjoyed with us our traboccant array of memories. Recall a single time you had so much memories to share with your friends. Maybe re-tell the story, and ask them if they remember. Maybe twenty, thirty, forty years after your graduation, apart from all the new memories you'll make. You'll always have an extremely traboccant supply to share, laugh about and to reminisce.

Quaeritate

v. to ask

There are many questions that have been plaguing me for a long time now... And I want to ask them all. But the biggest question of all is this: "why are these questions haunting me?"

I've always wanted to have an answer for everything. It always pained me to answer: "I don't know." Until I realized that 'I don't know' qualifies for a legitimate answer after all.

Being just a human being, I'm not omniscient, I'm not omnipotent. I'm just regular old me. There are really questions that I will never be able to answer. I've always wanted to give the best answer when someone asked me, 'why?' It's a quaeritation that has a capability of being ineffable, especially with very trivial topics such as love, life, and faith. And recently, I've quaeritated myself, 'why do I...?' It's really hard to answer that question. And there are a million and more ways to answer these types of questions. All that I have left to ask now is: "Why do I need an answer?" I guess I have a somewhat correct answer, but it's for the wrong question. "I don't need an answer.... just yet."

Venustation

n. act of causing someone to be beautiful or handsome.

I have always wondered: what makes girls beautiful? What phenomenon must occur for there to be attraction?

I have always been one to find many, many people attractive, but not necessarily the way everyone finds someone attractive. My type isn't exactly as you put it, 'normal.'

I have been asked before why I liked someone. Yes, someone has told me that my crush isn't pretty. I guess it was a let down at first. Then, I realized that I didn't really care so much. In my eyes, I saw beauty, and from my eyes, no one can steal beauty away.

I've even went up to someone and told her she beautiful, but instead of a 'thank you,' I received in reply: 'okay, this is awkward' and a 'why?' I didn't know how to respond. By some venustation, perhaps, there is an answer. I will never really know. It's like having a favorite color. Would you ever know what makes a color attractive? Or what makes music soothing? Or what makes flowers so pleasing to the eyes? God made made them that way. That's why.

This is now addressed to all those who ever asked. I can give you a reason, just one. I don't need to explain or defend myself, I just need you to hear me out. God is your venustation. He made you that way, God made you in such a way, that you have someone that will adore you. Someone that will find you beautiful, gorgeous, lovely, irresistible. I am one of those guys, and I pray to God that He made me equally as beautiful in your eyes. For beauty isn't something that will only be external. I hope that my beauty will be found by someone, and loved by someone.

Latibule

You may be wondering (if you'll ever find this) why the title is "My Latibule" or why the URL is inalatibule (in a latibule). Or before anything else, you may wonder what a Latibule is.

There are a lot of dying words in the English vocabulary already, there are words that not even a dictionary can define. A friend of mine once sent me a link to where a few of these words may be found.

It's a very entertaining website where certain words of old may be found and incorporated into our vocabulary. You can even adopt (use in everyday speech as often as you can) a word here.

And, in a long, desperate attempt to write an epic poem, or a blog, or something similar to any of those two, I searched for a word I can start with.

It was just there, on a black background, very unseen, in silver script: "latibule." It was defined like this:

n. hiding place

A latibule isn't a latibule if everyone knows about it.

So, with that, I leave everyone to search for me here, if you'll all find me. It's time for me to retreat now, into my latibule.