Third time is the charm. Or so they say...
I used to believe in this saying for so long. Until I've had many third time disappointments. Maybe in some ways it's true, in others it's not?
Well, anyway, the belief in that statement, or lack thereof, does not really negate belief that there is still good to come in life, whether it be the third or the tenth time.
First, there was the radical ultimate Christian woman. One who did not let any belief sway her own. It was very admirable in some ways. However, it was the forcing of her own belief to change my own that got in the way of a healthy relationship. There were no qualms from me personally on how to address these little things. I did not contest her belief as it was who made her, her. But, looking back, as I always tell my friends, I think I was drunk for almost two years to have put up with that.
Next there was the aggressive non-Christian (not even Catholic). In many ways, we were happy. However, sometimes, it takes only a few words to break someone down. With the pandemic hitting and the never ending cycle fights and make-ups proceeding to become toxic, it became very hard to deal with a relationship that could not make no physical contact last a lifetime. In many ways, the pandemic had opened us up to fresher eyes and hearts for us to realize what we really want out of life. For her it was to get married, and for the same thing, but essentially a different person. It took a pandemic and a few weeks long of deep thought processes, prayers, and meditation to make me realize that I did not deserve the treatment I received. In the end, I can tell myself (even if it is just myself), that she really did not know what she had until it (I) was gone.
Finally, at least I hope it will be final. There's this girl. I met while radical Christian and I were still dating (all the way back in 2015). I've known her for a few years. I was 24 at the time, she was only 19 at the time. We had many conversations, and in the beginning, we got along really well (causing my radical ex-girlfriend all sorts of jealousy and insecurity which as you may guess led to an unhealthy relationship as well). Look at me about five and a half years later. We're still good friends. She's working for a bank, I'm working for a car company. I'm a part-time English tutor, she's taking her master's degree. I can't stop thinking about her, we talk (or chat) almost every day. The pandemic has made us a little closer even if it be via online/mobile communication only.
And right now, I do not know where I stand in her eyes. We have plans to go places, but in the end, she says we're only just friends. It gets me thinking how I would be without her in my life. Years after, and many times in the making, I'm still the very cautious person I once was, still afraid of having his heart broken again and ending up in disappointment. But I can't help but wonder and think about her all the time. How my heart seems to beat even just a little bit fast when I receive a chat or call, or when she appreciates the little things I go out of my way to do for her. And that in itself, is a very big gesture for me. Having to go through the little things, just to make her smile or make her life a little bit easier if I can.
Who knows? Maybe someday I can actually put myself in the position to be there for her as she walks down the aisle. And hopefully, I'll be on the other end. So by typing this whole thing up... Again, I think I'm in love.
