Still the Same

I remember during my days in Ateneo, writing, poetry, these were avenues of expression. Those which I use in order to keep my secrets, or tell them; up to you however you want to read it.

Recently, I attempted to actually pick up a blank notebook and begin to write again. So, I made two important ones:

1. Still the Same

2. Eleven*

Both works were nods to two important things in my life.

"Still the Same" is just a depiction of how my return to actually writing feels to me.

In the same way, this blog (or journal.. I can't really say since there are barely any followers), still feels the same way as I'm looking onto the words spilling onto the white blank canvas with the blinking cursor.

In the same way as poetry and writing, keeping this blog/journal alive in my college days actually kept me sane. And again, I could tell you my secrets, whoever you are that's reading this today. I don't have as much of the same secrets these days, but I think my life has been more of one in the years in between my previous post and today. So, still appropriately, I am keeping this 'latibule' as it is.

"Eleven" is a dedication piece. When I started writing seriously, I had a partner, a buddy: one who also wrote, though in different styles, and with differing themes. We had always shared our works with one another, and we had always tried to analyze the symbolism in the content and form of our pieces.

"Eleven" is dedicated to the year 2009. The year we met. The year we became friends. The year we made a pact to eat at every restaurant along Katipunan avenue before we parted ways at graduation. During that time, almost every other piece was dedicated to her, was about her, was for her, or was written with her. And I know what you're thinking, it's both a yes and a no. I did actually, at some point (I'll just admit it now because it's become pretty much general knowledge), confessed how I felt about her (I recall that it was more than once. I know... you don't have to say it, I was a little bit crazy). But no, because she didn't feel exactly the same way.

Those two works actually go hand in hand in my story.

I wrote 'Still the Same' on May 4, 2020 at around 2330, and 'Eleven' was completed a few hours later on May 5, 2020 at little past 0100. So, the avenues for me are still quite the same to begin. 'Still the Same' illustrating how much has changed that a work was about her (practically no change regarding that). And 'Eleven' a nod to all the friendship, the happiness, the sadness, the anger, the good times, the bad times (even our break-up in Sisig Hooray *inside joke*) that has caused me to love this best friend of mine so much more than I ever thought I could.

So, J, cheers to Eleven years of being Still the Same.

PS. If you're able to read this, I miss you and love you lots. I hope to see you soon. 

Happy New Year

It's 3:26 in the morning... on January 1, 2012.

I should be sleepy, but I'm not. It's crazy how a lot of things that happened in 2011 can make a guy go crazy. The year was basically hell, and (believe it or not) there were a lot of things I am not at all proud of that happened. Then, again, I was miserable. It was totally and completely off.

2011, started like any year, filled with hope and optimism for the coming three hundred and sixty-five days. Then, came all the let-downs, all the failures, all the disappointments. It was like nothing was going my way. Every single disappointment just crushed a little part of me each time. 2011 was horrible, but others think it wasn't as bad. To know all the let-downs, you got to find them somewhere else. Though, there were high moments too, no matter how few. But I guess, they just led to worse things.

January to March is now hazy in my memory.

However, summer this year, was something else. How was I to know that everything that was bound to happen will lead to what happened to end this year? But what did happen? Everything that is hidden, I will mention elsewhere in the dark. You're going to need the light to see it. It's crazy living this fucked up life, but what else would I be doing if it weren't this bad?

Well, I'm leaving it all behind now. So, happy new year. 2012 is here.

Inhale... Family.

Six days. That's all I needed to fall in love, but not with a girl. I fell in love with a family. Who'd have thought it would be that fast?

Then again, I never expected a lot of things coming into the experience of being a TnT in the Ateneo OrSem. I never expected the welcoming arms of the TnT core members to willingly accept more than one-hundred and twenty TnTs exactly the same way as they treated their old friends. I'd never expect that our CIP head, the guy who's supposed to make sure everyone is doing what they're supposed to, to be scary, friendly and approachable all at the same time. It's one hell of an entirely different feeling.

The narration, of course, starts from TnT interviews. It was of course, scary for me, but since Teriz, TnT core, was pretty nice, but I had to sing, and I wasn't a singer... I made it happen. The second interview was a lot worse. It was like I had all the life and energy sucked out of me. Margaux, another TnT core member, was pretty harsh, and Eddy and Sam looked pretty much as strict. However, it was all an act. I didn't realize it at that time, but I really wanted to be a TnT. It came late, good thing I was accepted.

Then, we proceed to training days...

I'll never forget that first day of training. The moment I stepped atop the MVP-CSL roofdeck, I was greeted by a few familiar faces, and over a hundred fresh faces. Some I see walking around campus, some I don't at all. Jam approached me first, probably recognizing I was a newbie. She explained the improvement in the TNT operations. While we had the new Filed folders (previous years had plastic envelopes). Our batch was probably special, and I picked the perfect time to be a newbie. Then again, everything was so new to me, and I was still shy to be among everyone else. After all I didn't know anyone there, save for a few. But, as the day went on, I met new people, more and more friends. It was one hell of an experience, to go through one whole day of TNT training was crazy enough. Just one day was life changing. All the activities were one of a kind, it was unique, it was party all-day with a little bit of team-building. TNTs party hard, in a different kind of way, we don't need alcohol to party hard.

The second day became even better. The games, GD's, team-building activities were much more fun than the first day. And all the TNTs somewhat became closer to one another, we all started meeting each other, we all started mingling. The groups were broken up, and we seemed more like a... (inhale) family.

The third day was somewhat the same, except we met the logistics crew already, those who were going to assist us on the actual OrSem. We had GD's and situationers with them already. It was an experience for a lifetime, and it was just training.

And, about a week later, OrSem had arrived...

The first day was... scary... I never really knew what to expect... I didn't know what to do either. All I knew was that we had to have energy. The energy of our culture was based upon the energy of others. The TNTs get their energies off other TNTs. It's amazing, everyone's helping each other, the energies of everyone boosting everyone else's.

However, it was priceless... Before the gates opened, all the TNT's were at the cage area, welcoming the freshmen, cheering for them, while enjoying, partying. It was a good feeling to be a part of something that big. It was immensely a great feeling. When the freshmen started to flood in the covered courts, it was amazing. The TNTs were all dancing on the chairs, all of us, until the freshmen had filled up the chairs, and there were no places for us to stand and dance upon. It was indeed one hell of a party. The entire 8am-430pm, one whole day of music, dance and it was all for the freshmen!

It was for three days. It was an experience I don't ever want to forget. Despite the loss of voice, the tired legs, and the exhaustion and all the hardships we all went through, it was one hell of a ride, and I'll definitely be a part of next year's... (inhale) FAMILY.

This, Too, Shall Pass...

Some people make mistakes because at first it seems right, when it turns out that it was the worst decision you could ever make. These instances are bitches but you can only hope that they'll pass.

I'm stuck in the same old rut of teenage life: dilemmas.

There's something I have to leave for a while, but I don't really want to, because it's been such a huge part of my life already and it's killing me to let it all go, but something better awaits if this happens, so, I guess I just have to let it go for the meantime. But here's to hoping that it'll all pass, and everything will turn out better.

I've consulted non-involved people with this certain dilemma, and says I shouldn't have to do it, but there's a part of me that feels like it should happen, even if I don't want it to.

Concerned past feelings are already long gone, and I've moved on, but still, there're some things that I can't really let go of that easily. Mind you, this isn't easy. It's not an easy decision, and it just hurts that I have to do this. But it'll all turn better in the end. Hopefully.

Kept Me Out of It.

School has kept me out of this part of my life the past few weeks. Hmm... But I stumbled upon something on Facebook. A post on a friend's wall, that got me reminiscing, that got me thinking.

Looking through old photos of what life had been like had I not left it all behind. Would I have gotten better at golf, perhaps? Could I have possibly followed my dad's plan for me, and be studying in the United States right now? Or even better, would I have gotten a golf scholarship? Many questions like these come to mind, but now, all I can do is wonder.

Particularly, the photo I saw, was an old crush, and well... despite everybody saying not so nice stuff, there was a part of me that always liked her. It took me one look to see what beauty she had. It took me a few days to see that she would be an important person in my life, but I couldn't foresee that she'd just be someone important for a number of years, then just vanish into something else she loves doing, something else I used to love doing to. I stopped golf, she took it seriously.

I'm seriously starting to wonder what happened if I took golf seriously, just like she did. Would I still be liking her right now? Would I still be seeing her regularly? Would I be awaiting texts and phone calls just like I do when Ian comes home? I can wonder, or I can let it go.

But, as I've learned, it's not that easy to let it go. This was a significant happening in my life, but the past it past. I'll get nothing from living there. I'm excited for the future, yet a little scared. I want to stick with what's familiar, but I need to go there.

I don't have any disappointments with how my life turned out, though some people might. No regrets on leaving that life behind me in exchange for this one. Although, I might begin life anew, and play that life, along with this one, hoping things would turn out overall, better. I think I want that, but right now, I have no doubts that my life couldn't be any better right now. *Insert mayabang smug face here*

I just miss her, she was a really good friend. Too bad, she's gone.

A New Blog

As mentioned previously...

I am writing a story, making every part and chapter visible to public eyes, but hidden in plain sight. (What?)

There's a blog, a public blog, where-in you have to find the name, I wanna show my friends, but I want to keep it hidden for the time being, and since I love games. Let's play one. Let's see... hmm...........

--------------.blogspot.com (http://savethewords.org)

How do we make a clue? CLUE: I'm HIDING IN THE DARK. GOODLUCK!!

It's a two-word blog... Go to the website as previously stated. I'm hiding there. If you don't get it, just ask me. ;)

Writing

There's something about this summer that is making me do things that... well... I don't know... I thought I had given up. I thought I was going to quit on my Chinese Studies minor, and this summer is making me think twice about it. I'm exposed to language studies almost everyday, I have a friend that's currently taking up her minor in CHINA, cool! I have a friend that has started to take a minor track as well, plus my former laoshi (teacher) is very, very inspiring.

I thought I had given up on sports, but now, I'm not so sure. I want to buy a bike, basketball is getting more serious for me. Plus, the NBA is huge these days. The Miami Heat's following the Celtics' path to glory. Memphis is on a WTF streak!! And the Dallas Mavs, well, say no more, they beat the Lakers in a game 1, nail-biter. Let's just hope my idols are doing well!!

I thought I had given up on writing, but not quite. I'm starting to write again. Starting out again with poems and music with a buddy, and then working on a side project again, another story. Not just any story, but something that is closely heartfelt. It's hidden in another latibule. Perhaps... Somewhere in the dark. (Weffriddles?) (Laugh).

Well, about my side project, I'm taking it slowly, writing part by part, then forming chapter by chapter, making it finally complete, but still hiding somewhere. Should I make it known?