Again?

 Third time is the charm. Or so they say...

I used to believe in this saying for so long. Until I've had many third time disappointments. Maybe in some ways it's true, in others it's not?

Well, anyway, the belief in that statement, or lack thereof, does not really negate belief that there is still good to come in life, whether it be the third or the tenth time.

First, there was the radical ultimate Christian woman. One who did not let any belief sway her own. It was very admirable in some ways. However, it was the forcing of her own belief to change my own that got in the way of a healthy relationship. There were no qualms from me personally on how to address these little things. I did not contest her belief as it was who made her, her. But, looking back, as I always tell my friends, I think I was drunk for almost two years to have put up with that.

Next there was the aggressive non-Christian (not even Catholic). In many ways, we were happy. However, sometimes, it takes only a few words to break someone down. With the pandemic hitting and the never ending cycle fights and make-ups proceeding to become toxic, it became very hard to deal with a relationship that could not make no physical contact last a lifetime. In many ways, the pandemic had opened us up to fresher eyes and hearts for us to realize what we really want out of life. For her it was to get married, and for the same thing, but essentially a different person. It took a pandemic and a few weeks long of deep thought processes, prayers, and meditation to make me realize that I did not deserve the treatment I received. In the end, I can tell myself (even if it is just myself), that she really did not know what she had until it (I) was gone.

Finally, at least I hope it will be final. There's this girl. I met while radical Christian and I were still dating (all the way back in 2015). I've known her for a few years. I was 24 at the time, she was only 19 at the time. We had many conversations, and in the beginning, we got along really well (causing my radical ex-girlfriend all sorts of jealousy and insecurity which as you may guess led to an unhealthy relationship as well). Look at me about five and a half years later. We're still good friends. She's working for a bank, I'm working for a car company. I'm a part-time English tutor, she's taking her master's degree. I can't stop thinking about her, we talk (or chat) almost every day. The pandemic has made us a little closer even if it be via online/mobile communication only.

And right now, I do not know where I stand in her eyes. We have plans to go places, but in the end, she says we're only just friends. It gets me thinking how I would be without her in my life. Years after, and many times in the making, I'm still the very cautious person I once was, still afraid of having his heart broken again and ending up in disappointment. But I can't help but wonder and think about her all the time. How my heart seems to beat even just a little bit fast when I receive a chat or call, or when she appreciates the little things I go out of my way to do for her. And that in itself, is a very big gesture for me. Having to go through the little things, just to make her smile or make her life a little bit easier if I can.

Who knows? Maybe someday I can actually put myself in the position to be there for her as she walks down the aisle. And hopefully, I'll be on the other end. So by typing this whole thing up... Again, I think I'm in love.

Moving On

Sometimes in life, there comes a time where you go through major changes. It may take some time to sink in from when it actually occurs, but I guess, through whatever may come, it happens.

You move away from you childhood home, away from your childhood friends, moving on from good and bad memories.

You sell your family car, the one you used to ride going on long road trips with your parents.

Your friends migrate to another country or city quite far away.

You have to move on from someone at one point you thought you would spend the rest of your life with.

These drastic changes, whether you desire them, need them, or basically just have no choice but to live through them are part of growing up. These are part of the changes coming into adulthood and maturity. But at the end of the day, whatever the reason may be that these changes occur, these will transform you into a better person. 

These things will never be easy, the last time your family car drives away from you, the last time you lock your home door before throwing the keys away, the goodbyes at the last party you throw for you friend's migration, the last goodbye message for your supposed significant other. These are just little pieces in the struggle that is life. Whether on good terms or not, it's just a matter of time before you heal and get used to these experiences. 

But...

Don't skip anything.

If you need time to grieve, grieve. Cry your heart out at night if you must. Eat ice cream, watch your sad movies. If you need to be angry, then go be angry, curse at the wind, punch a punching bag, burn old photos. Every step is essential to finally being able to let go. 

Once completed and successful, there may be scars, sometimes visible, sometimes completely hidden, embrace them. They will help you learn.

Frustration

I know that people are entitled to their own emotions.

When one has been wronged, one can feel sad. When luck turns in a good direction, one can be ecstatic. When trivial things are opposing but unique to individuals, one will be confused.

When there are repetitive requests to consider a few things, people may be frustrated - sometimes easily.

Life has been a roller coaster of emotions - but on a lot of days, these are just frustrations. Especially in the times of COVID-19 where a lot of things cannot be certain after a few short days. Outside the walls of this home I've lived at since 2009, a lot seems to be more than what can be simply handled. There are days, I just want to take a break from the world and sleep for a good part of the day. I can't perform my go-to stress relief exercises because it is encouraged to stay at home. I need an outlet, but it is difficult without risking your personal safety and exposure to this pandemic.

There is a topic in particular that's really frustrating. I've already said too much - it's time to reflect upon it and rest a weary mind and heart.

Still the Same

I remember during my days in Ateneo, writing, poetry, these were avenues of expression. Those which I use in order to keep my secrets, or tell them; up to you however you want to read it.

Recently, I attempted to actually pick up a blank notebook and begin to write again. So, I made two important ones:

1. Still the Same

2. Eleven*

Both works were nods to two important things in my life.

"Still the Same" is just a depiction of how my return to actually writing feels to me.

In the same way, this blog (or journal.. I can't really say since there are barely any followers), still feels the same way as I'm looking onto the words spilling onto the white blank canvas with the blinking cursor.

In the same way as poetry and writing, keeping this blog/journal alive in my college days actually kept me sane. And again, I could tell you my secrets, whoever you are that's reading this today. I don't have as much of the same secrets these days, but I think my life has been more of one in the years in between my previous post and today. So, still appropriately, I am keeping this 'latibule' as it is.

"Eleven" is a dedication piece. When I started writing seriously, I had a partner, a buddy: one who also wrote, though in different styles, and with differing themes. We had always shared our works with one another, and we had always tried to analyze the symbolism in the content and form of our pieces.

"Eleven" is dedicated to the year 2009. The year we met. The year we became friends. The year we made a pact to eat at every restaurant along Katipunan avenue before we parted ways at graduation. During that time, almost every other piece was dedicated to her, was about her, was for her, or was written with her. And I know what you're thinking, it's both a yes and a no. I did actually, at some point (I'll just admit it now because it's become pretty much general knowledge), confessed how I felt about her (I recall that it was more than once. I know... you don't have to say it, I was a little bit crazy). But no, because she didn't feel exactly the same way.

Those two works actually go hand in hand in my story.

I wrote 'Still the Same' on May 4, 2020 at around 2330, and 'Eleven' was completed a few hours later on May 5, 2020 at little past 0100. So, the avenues for me are still quite the same to begin. 'Still the Same' illustrating how much has changed that a work was about her (practically no change regarding that). And 'Eleven' a nod to all the friendship, the happiness, the sadness, the anger, the good times, the bad times (even our break-up in Sisig Hooray *inside joke*) that has caused me to love this best friend of mine so much more than I ever thought I could.

So, J, cheers to Eleven years of being Still the Same.

PS. If you're able to read this, I miss you and love you lots. I hope to see you soon. 

Happy New Year

It's 3:26 in the morning... on January 1, 2012.

I should be sleepy, but I'm not. It's crazy how a lot of things that happened in 2011 can make a guy go crazy. The year was basically hell, and (believe it or not) there were a lot of things I am not at all proud of that happened. Then, again, I was miserable. It was totally and completely off.

2011, started like any year, filled with hope and optimism for the coming three hundred and sixty-five days. Then, came all the let-downs, all the failures, all the disappointments. It was like nothing was going my way. Every single disappointment just crushed a little part of me each time. 2011 was horrible, but others think it wasn't as bad. To know all the let-downs, you got to find them somewhere else. Though, there were high moments too, no matter how few. But I guess, they just led to worse things.

January to March is now hazy in my memory.

However, summer this year, was something else. How was I to know that everything that was bound to happen will lead to what happened to end this year? But what did happen? Everything that is hidden, I will mention elsewhere in the dark. You're going to need the light to see it. It's crazy living this fucked up life, but what else would I be doing if it weren't this bad?

Well, I'm leaving it all behind now. So, happy new year. 2012 is here.

Inhale... Family.

Six days. That's all I needed to fall in love, but not with a girl. I fell in love with a family. Who'd have thought it would be that fast?

Then again, I never expected a lot of things coming into the experience of being a TnT in the Ateneo OrSem. I never expected the welcoming arms of the TnT core members to willingly accept more than one-hundred and twenty TnTs exactly the same way as they treated their old friends. I'd never expect that our CIP head, the guy who's supposed to make sure everyone is doing what they're supposed to, to be scary, friendly and approachable all at the same time. It's one hell of an entirely different feeling.

The narration, of course, starts from TnT interviews. It was of course, scary for me, but since Teriz, TnT core, was pretty nice, but I had to sing, and I wasn't a singer... I made it happen. The second interview was a lot worse. It was like I had all the life and energy sucked out of me. Margaux, another TnT core member, was pretty harsh, and Eddy and Sam looked pretty much as strict. However, it was all an act. I didn't realize it at that time, but I really wanted to be a TnT. It came late, good thing I was accepted.

Then, we proceed to training days...

I'll never forget that first day of training. The moment I stepped atop the MVP-CSL roofdeck, I was greeted by a few familiar faces, and over a hundred fresh faces. Some I see walking around campus, some I don't at all. Jam approached me first, probably recognizing I was a newbie. She explained the improvement in the TNT operations. While we had the new Filed folders (previous years had plastic envelopes). Our batch was probably special, and I picked the perfect time to be a newbie. Then again, everything was so new to me, and I was still shy to be among everyone else. After all I didn't know anyone there, save for a few. But, as the day went on, I met new people, more and more friends. It was one hell of an experience, to go through one whole day of TNT training was crazy enough. Just one day was life changing. All the activities were one of a kind, it was unique, it was party all-day with a little bit of team-building. TNTs party hard, in a different kind of way, we don't need alcohol to party hard.

The second day became even better. The games, GD's, team-building activities were much more fun than the first day. And all the TNTs somewhat became closer to one another, we all started meeting each other, we all started mingling. The groups were broken up, and we seemed more like a... (inhale) family.

The third day was somewhat the same, except we met the logistics crew already, those who were going to assist us on the actual OrSem. We had GD's and situationers with them already. It was an experience for a lifetime, and it was just training.

And, about a week later, OrSem had arrived...

The first day was... scary... I never really knew what to expect... I didn't know what to do either. All I knew was that we had to have energy. The energy of our culture was based upon the energy of others. The TNTs get their energies off other TNTs. It's amazing, everyone's helping each other, the energies of everyone boosting everyone else's.

However, it was priceless... Before the gates opened, all the TNT's were at the cage area, welcoming the freshmen, cheering for them, while enjoying, partying. It was a good feeling to be a part of something that big. It was immensely a great feeling. When the freshmen started to flood in the covered courts, it was amazing. The TNTs were all dancing on the chairs, all of us, until the freshmen had filled up the chairs, and there were no places for us to stand and dance upon. It was indeed one hell of a party. The entire 8am-430pm, one whole day of music, dance and it was all for the freshmen!

It was for three days. It was an experience I don't ever want to forget. Despite the loss of voice, the tired legs, and the exhaustion and all the hardships we all went through, it was one hell of a ride, and I'll definitely be a part of next year's... (inhale) FAMILY.

This, Too, Shall Pass...

Some people make mistakes because at first it seems right, when it turns out that it was the worst decision you could ever make. These instances are bitches but you can only hope that they'll pass.

I'm stuck in the same old rut of teenage life: dilemmas.

There's something I have to leave for a while, but I don't really want to, because it's been such a huge part of my life already and it's killing me to let it all go, but something better awaits if this happens, so, I guess I just have to let it go for the meantime. But here's to hoping that it'll all pass, and everything will turn out better.

I've consulted non-involved people with this certain dilemma, and says I shouldn't have to do it, but there's a part of me that feels like it should happen, even if I don't want it to.

Concerned past feelings are already long gone, and I've moved on, but still, there're some things that I can't really let go of that easily. Mind you, this isn't easy. It's not an easy decision, and it just hurts that I have to do this. But it'll all turn better in the end. Hopefully.